It’s not every day your 2nd biggest rival’s coach has a total meltdown. Quitting due to stress, then taking it all back, before you even have your retirement press conference? Here is the statement Urban Meyer should have released on Sunday:

“I would like to thank everyone for their concern for my well being. Especially ESPN, who I had to beg to stop sucking my dick so we could go ahead and schedule this darn press conference to begin with. I mean, when they said they were doing a special programming segment, just to me, I mean, gee, whiz, I don’t know what to say. Also, all that stuff I said about being under undue stress and chest pains and shortness of breath, and anything health related? Yeah, forget about that. Untrue. Don’t believe everything you hear. I’m fine. Yes, I did say I was retiring yesterday, but then I realized I could just take a really, really long vacation during the offseason, and not even miss a game! I mean, come on Jeremy Foley! Bring this up in our initial discussions! Anyhoo, don’t ask me about my health, it never happened. Steve Addazzio? Have fun with that one guy. I’m sure you know I will blame you through all the backchannels for the program’s slow ride back to the mean. Where’s my family? Oh there they are. Family, family, family. Faith, faith, faith. Family, family. Ok, I think you all realize where my priorities are. Thanks for coming.”

No apologizing here as we squeeze out as much juice from this Florida Gator as possible. Anyone with half a typical OB West End Zone IQ (over 70) would know you just take a leave of abscence, then re-evaluate the situation once you have stepped away. Meyer can never take back this indecision, and I love it!

Imagine you are out with your girlfriend and her close friends. You don’t necessarily dislike them, but at the same time you definitely would not hang out with them if you weren’t doing your girlfriend a favor. You’re pretty much putting in some quality ‘face time.’ You know what happens next? The questions start coming. Not the ones you are expecting. I am talking about the questions that are thrice as bad as “Who, What, Where.” I am talking “Where do you want to eat?” and “What bar do you want to go to?” You know what happens when females start asking each other these questions? Exactly. Nothing. Because women are indecisive. They cannot go out on a limb, be the bad guy and say “We are going here, you will all like it, enough of this bullshit, it has been ten minutes already of you four not deciding, oh yeah I forgot I’m not supposed to talk unless spoken to per my girlfriend’s unsaid orders.”

Here’s to Lane Kiffin starting some shit!

They say the Devil’s spawn has no scent.

The Spear of Destiny has done it’s job once again.

Charlie Strong just slit his wrists.

Randy Shannon cannot be commended enough for building his program the right way. The same week The U Documentary gives the Hurricanes program a two hour recruiting infomercial, showcasing the bad boys of a long gone era, the current Canes have achieved a new standard in the classroom.

In case you missed it, Miami will share with Notre Dame the American Football Coaches’ Association award for academics. Both schools attained 100% graduation rates from their 2002 freshman classes. Looking at past winners, this award is no joke: Duke, Vanderbilt, Wake Forest, Notre Dame, Syracuse, Northwestern. Miami is finally gained recognition as being a top notch academic institution.

Compare that with Urban Meyer’s tenure at Florida, and his spin doctor comments regarding his atrocious arrest record:

“This group of players we have now are by and large a pretty good group. They are 18-to-22 years old and, like most young people, they are trying to find their way.

“It is a continual part of our program to mentor and guide our players and it is not an exact process. Although we have been very successful with most, we are by no means perfect. We are disappointed when we encounter some issues along the way, but we are going to continue to educate and teach our players.”

Really? Sure wish I could have just been “trying to find my way” while throwing snowballs at moving cars back in Michigan. Lets face it–if not for the Tebow Child, who is everything that is right with collegiate athletics (barf), Florida would be getting vilified for their arrest record under Meyer. Tebow hides it all.

Since Meyer has been hired at Gainesville, 24 arrests have occurred under his watch. More spin control from Florida’s athletic department:

●   Only three arrests from the last three recruiting classes (including 2009)
●   At least 14 of the charges were dropped in the 24 cases
●   14 of the 24 player arrests have been from players he did not recruit or were in his first recruiting class
●   The 24 arrests represents 19 different players

So you’re excuse is Urban Meyer didn’t recruit 58% of the players arrested? That’s nice. Randy Shannon has been at Miami two fewer years, meaning he recruited even less of the players on his roster. His arrest record? Two. Ryan Moore (misdemeanor battery) and Robert “Douchebag” Marve (resisting arrest without violence and criminal mischief). We all know Miami will forever be known as “Thug U.” The documentary this past weekend confirmed it. It’s high time Florida starts being recognized as “Trailer Park Trash U” for their transgressions off the field as well.

Looking closely at the Big Ten logo you can see the eleven sandwiching the ‘T.’ Ah, I get it now Jim Delany. You cleverly hid your actual team number in your logo, now no one can make fun of your inability to count. Works every time. I’d imagine the conversation will go like this in 18 months when they finally add their 12th member.

INT. Office in Chicago.

Big 10 Board Members: Mr. Delany, now that we have our coveted 12th team, what should we call the conference?

Jim Delany: The Big Ten. Who asked that question? Was it that woman sitting there? How stupid are you? All women are stupid. You’re fired.

Big 10 Board Members: Well, uh, sir, we thought this might be the opportune time to rename our conference. To not be the butt of basic arithmetic jokes.

Jim Delany: What? Why? What are you talking about? We’re the Big TEN. We have TEN members. Am I the only non-idiot sitting here? Who pays you guys?

Big 10 Board Members: Sir, um, we added an 11th team in 1990. They started conference play in 1993. Everyone makes fun of us.

Jim Delany: Why did no one tell me this when I took this job? I bet it was you, woman. Fine, we got 12 teams now, now we’re the Big 12. How many problems do I have to solve for you miscreants?

Big 10 Board Members: Sir, well, uh, we can’t use that name.

Jim Delany: What? Why not? We have twelve teams. Now we’re the Big 12. Is that woman going to order us some lunch? I’ll take a fish taco with extra guac.

Big 10 Board Members: Sir, we can’t use that name because there is a conference that already uses that name.

Jim Delany: What! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Why did no one tell me this? I put a copyright out on ‘Big’ in 1999! Is the legal system broken in this country now as well!?

Big 10 Board Members: Sir, they have been in existence since 1996. Unfortunately, we cannot use that moniker. We need to think of a name before the press conference in one hour.

Jim Delany: I’ve got it. You all ready for this masterpiece? Listen up……the Bigger 12. Huh? Huh?! Woman in the corner who shouldn’t be here, high five! Oh, and hurry up on that lunch order. I’m hungry.

End scene.

So the big, bad, “wannabe SEC but doesn’t know it” Big Ten wants another team? Where were you guys five years ago? They should have piggybacked the ACC raping the football Big East to swoop in and take Pittsburgh. It would have been a side note to the overall negative attitude of Miami and Virginia Tech selling out. Now they will look and sound desperate to every prospective suitor.

In a perfect Big Ten world they get Notre Dame. Considering nothing is perfect, that isn’t happening. My opinion is the Big Ten should go in the opposite direction of the status quo. They should go after a basketball school, namely Syracuse. Rich football tradition, potential to be good again, but a powerhouse on the hardwood. Adding another nationally prominent basketball school would do more for the conference than giving Penn State an in-state rivalry with Pittsburgh that JoePa cannot schedule out of.

In my own perfect world, the Big East sees this potential raid of Pitt/Rutgers/Cincinnati, and goes on the offensive. You are the least respected BCS football conference. Time to demand some respect. Go buy Penn State from the Big Ten. They belong in the Big East geographically, and no one would care they if left the Big Ten because it would put them back at 10 teams. Penn State is an easy two wins a year in basketball, so no threat there. The conference would take back the market share of a historically talent rich state in Pennsylvania. Why wouldn’t Penn State be dying to do this? They could become the next 1990s version of Miami. They would own the Big East. Why this is not being considered is beyond me.

I don't like abortions because they might turn out to be great mediocre QBs who I make awesome and build my reputation on! Pro-choice! Pro-choice!

Per my usual scheduling conflicts, I am late the ball on many major college football news items. Not that is hurts my opinions; in fact, it lets them sink in longer, and eradicates the knee-jerk reactions that many subpar bloggers succeed with in being mediocre.

I did a quick search of my site’s beginnings, and found this Nostradamus gem of a post–Brian Kelly to stay at Cincinnati, and who cares because Notre Dame will be open next year! I’ll admit, predicting Charlie “FUPA” Weis being fired one year prior to his dismissal is not of the Mayan 2012 variety. Yet, I will still add it to the factors in my claim I know more college football than you. I had another previous post on Brian Kelly to Notre Dame last December, prior to this site going all Canes, all the time. No doubt nobody read that, so if you want, check it out. I’ll borrow one bit from that post, of my favorite all time NFL player, for selfish reasons.

Because no one saw it last year

Now let me address the situation at hand–Brian Kelly finally being hired at Notre Dame. A friend of mine always debates Notre Dame is past its prime. They are done, never to be good again. His opinion has merit, at least in an objective sense. Being a Syracuse alum, he says “I have no reason to be subjective or bias. My team sucks anyways.” Valid point.

While I agree with his point, that Notre Dame is not what it used to be, I still feel the right coach can turn the program back into a national powerhouse. Not the pseudo variety Charlie Weis and Bob Davie accomplished, unjustly qualifying for BCS bowl games only to be embarrassed with everything except their television market share. Recently I read that, sans Tyrone Willingham, every time Notre Dame has hired a coach with previous collegiate coaching success, they have won a national title with said coach. That’s rather remarkable when you think about it. Funny that Notre Dame has been unable to hire a coach for the past 15 years with any sort of college success, but the main point is remarkable as well.

Brian Kelly finally confirming the predicted inevitable of being hired will let the entire country know if my said Orange alum friend is correct. If Urban Meyer stupidly went to South Bend instead of Gainesville five year ago, we would already know. Does Meyer win two national titles already? Of course not. At the same time, I think he still wins one before he would have left, assuming he stuck around for a decade or more.

Meyer is like most college coaches, football or basketball. Stock pile your roster with the best, fastest, most agile players in the country, don’t fuck it up, and win lots of games. Mack Brown and Roy Williams will have stadiums named after themselves by sticking to this exact career path. Randy Shannon is following this strategy, and I couldn’t be happier. For all intents and purposes, you don’t want that coach who is an actual coaching genius. What happens when he leaves? Do you think Cincinnati actually has great players, or the ability for the new coach to now recruit them? They will go back to being the Big East’s whipping boys, able to spring maybe one conference upset a year. Therein lies the Brian Kelly factor.

Brian Kelly has never had good players since coming to D1. Yes, at D2 Grand Valley State he had the best players in the country. Why? Because he spent a decade there building the program, and by the time he left, every fringe D1 prospect who wanted guaranteed playing time, and every Midwestern player who was unhappy where he was at transferred to play for Kelly. He took that talent and won two straight D2 titles, with a title game loss the year prior. Since then, Kelly has only coached subpar talent. Central Michigan does not need to be discussed, as we now what the MAC produces on a yearly basis. Cincinnati? Go ask any NFL scout how many players from that team, today, will ever make it to a starting position in the NFL. I doubt he can give you half a handful. Tony Pike is not an NFL prospect. All those claiming he was a hidden gem, please, stop. College recruiters are not complete idiots, as most are wont to say. They know talent. Pike was blessed to be given the greatest offensive play caller in the past decade, and a good head coach to boot (unlike FUPA Weis).

This is the crux of my argument in believing Brian Kelly will finally “Return to Glory®” (since 1993) the once proud Notre Dame program. Kelly has never experienced the type of talent he will get just by showing up at a kid’s house with the ND emblem on his chest. If he can take a bunch of second tier miscreants from a commuter school, in a state owned by a traditional powerhouse, just think what he can do with South Bend’s allure on his side. This is not to say Kelly will start pumping out one national title win after another. The best players per capita will always reside in the South and Southwest, which means the Florida’s and Texas’ of the world will never have less talent. I believe Notre Dame’s ceiling, until proven otherwise, is to consistently qualify for BCS games, and actually play USC in a toss up of who will win. They perhaps can win one national title in a ten year window; the clouds always part for the well-coached independent school. Look at USC–if they played the top two teams of every conference, outside the Pac 10, they probably go undefeated every year and win by two touchdowns. Instead, they play teams that are used to their style, know how to beat them, pick off coaches from Carroll’s staff and use their knowledge to their advantage. Crappy conference teams have a way of beating the juggernauts.

Assuming Notre Dame becomes great again, it will cause the media to do their normal overhyping of the program. More importantly, for fans of teams like USC, Texas, and hopefully soon Miami, it will under-hype the opponents. I’d love nothing more than for Miami and Notre Dame to meet in the BCS title game, preferably the Orange Bowl, and have the entire nation wondering how any team, let alone one coached by Randy Shannon, could beat the unstoppable genius of Brian Kelly. By 30. In the sweaty rain. While taunting the 70% Irish crowd and causing them to hallucinate their 1980s memories to the forefront of their conservative brains.

If Kelly does indeed accomplish what many think he can, not implausible given his track record, Urban Meyer will rue the day he twice turned down Notre Dame. Yes, I said twice. Officially in 2004, and we all know his agent was contacted and told to tell Meyer the job is his if he wants it, and money is no object. He turned it down. Now imagine this: Brian Kelly rights this ship, competes for national titles, and even if he never wins one, an .800+ winning percentage over 10+ years will cause for erecting a statue in his honor. Urban Meyer can win another five titles in Gainesville, and he will always be kept warm at night. He doesn’t even use a blanket. Steve Spurrier’s shadow is all the warmth that he needs.

Finally, one school is getting smart. Virginia just hired Mike London, the current coach at FCS Richmond, to take over for NFL retread Al Groh. When you are not a traditional football power, it is always best to hire from a lower conference, or even a lower division, save lots of money on the first contract, and let the coach prove himself. Even more important, you have to hire a winner. I cannot emphasize this enough.

Brian Kelly and Jim Tressel are the two obvious examples of my point. You go grab a coach, even from a lower division, but one who is a winner. A coach who has won national titles. Mike London was 24-5 in two years at Richmond, including a national title in 2008. He has worked at UVA under Groh previously, no doubt a strike against him, but I’m sure he can forget all he learned from the old coot.

I’ve always thought the state of Virgina should have more than one team competing for national titles, let alone conference titles. Virginia gets loads of top tier talent, even more so recently. Take a gander:

Ronald Curry

Michael Vick

Marcus Vick

Aaron Brooks

Ahmad Brooks

Gaines Adams

Chris Long

Percy Harvin

Jerrell Powe

Brandon Minor

Dedrick Epps

Jacoby Ford

Evan Royster

Tyrod Taylor

Ryan Williams

Now that is one hell of a list! You put together a team with half those recent guys, and you are competing for the ACC title. The Virginia football all-time list would be incomplete without significant mention of Allen Iverson, the best basketball and football in state history. You watch this clip and wonder why Iverson didn’t go to a school with a football team.

"Can somebody get me a goddamn halftime I.V.?? I'm dying here!"

Seems Florida coach Urban Meyer was treated for dehydration after the beatdown the Dark Lord Saban gave him Saturday afternoon. I think this pretty much confirms it; Meyer was off in a corner Georgia Dome office crying his eyes out. Was it because he knows his impending doom now that his once in a generation QB will no longer be around to save his ass on seemingly every 3rd down? Perhaps because he was finally hit with assistant coach attrition, and he knows only more is to come? Or maybe it was tears of anger at himself for not firing Charlie Strong at halftime? I guess we will never know.

Here’s to Urban Meyer getting better. He can’t take the Notre Dame job if he is slobbering all over himself.

"Where's my agent? Somebody tell him to send that saved text draft to Notre Dame."

Yes, Florida is imminently better than Miami this year, and has been since about 2006. I am still going to jab this fucker deep into their thigh, hope it gets infected, but takes four long, slow weeks of gangrene to die.

This game result means Florida does not ride Tim Tebow to a seamless transition to a post-Tebow program. Florida does not win an unprecedented 3 out of 4 years. Most importantly, it means Florida does not come within one national title of Miami’s five.

Side note: props to Tebow for his post game interview. Very classy. Spoke up Alabama and their fans. Know who we didn’t see interviewed after the game? Urban Cryer. Go negative recruit some more and lie to 18 year olds.

Side note deuce: What’s the over/under for the amount of times ESPN will show the George Teague strip play from the 1993 Sugar Bowl? Too many, that’s what.

"Dammit, I was told by Bill that my FUPA would guarantee 10 wins a year."

I remember back in 1996 (I think) when Notre Dame refused a bowl bid, possibly the Independence Bowl or something like that. It was a big deal at the time, because no school but Notre Dame would ever consider declining a bowl bid. This of course, is the school that had no shame whatsoever accepting a Fiesta Bowl bid in 1994 with a 6-5-1 record. But, when your two possible bowl destinations are Detroit in December or Birmingham, Alabama any time of the year, I don’t blame them for saying no.

Can we stop pretending Notre Dame is a top flight program now? If not for having their own archaic network deal with NBC, signed in the early ’90s, the Golden Domers would be as irrelevant as the rest of the Big East they would have joined back in 1997. When you can’t even get a call back from the top three on your fantasy coaching wish list, it’s time to rethink your expectations. A behind the scenes call should have happened to Bob Stoops and Urban Meyer, if the AD seriously thought he could lure them away from their incredible salaries and proximity to talent rich recruiting states. Notre Dame must like being publicly embarrassed. You knew there was zero chance Stoops was coming; he has no ties to Notre Dame, and has never said he wants to coach there. Meyer on the other hand, you at least had the Lloyd Christmas “So you’re saying there’s a chance” chance, because regardless of how many times Meyer denies it, his ultimate ego trip would be to win a national title in South Bend.

Still, the odds were against them in both cases. Work the various back channels, confirm their “no” answers, and hire Brian Kelly in a public relations positive extravaganza. Instead, Notre Dame has already made it look like Kelly will be there fifth or sixth choice, after you add Jon Gruden, Tony Dungy, Knute Rockne, and Vince Lombardi to the wish list. I say this with complete seriousness: why don’t they ask Lou Holtz if he wants to come back? Notre Dame is all about waking up the echoes, well, he was your last coach who could yell loud enough to echo. Every time I watch one of his ridiculous motivaitonial speeches, I can see how 18-22 year old would play for this guy and want to win. Screw it, go ask Lou Holthsz if he wants to come back. Notre Dame is all about appearances, and like most tradition rich Midwestern schools (I’m looking at you Michigan), they care more about looking good to their 80 year old fans than winning games.

I was hoping a tiny bit Miami would get to stomp on Notre Dame’s corpse in the Gator Bowl, but with their 6-6 record and Bowden’s retirement both making that a near impossibility, I say great for you Fighting Irish. Don’t go to a bowl game. Don’t expose your potential first round picks to another national audience, thereby helping recruiting. Don’t give your players more practice time, thereby helping your coach next year. Don’t give Brian Kelly a near month to help you win your bowl game, as he did when hired at Cincinnati. Sometimes, it’s fun watching idiots do idiotic things.

Talks are taking place, the Rockies have started to shift, and the continuously overrated teams in the SEC are shitting their pants. Why? The Mountain West and WAC are considering having a inter-conference title game to strengthen each others schedules.

In reality, the two conferences are discussing this awesome idea to give themselves an automatic BCS bid. A noble idea, one that should work. Take this year as an example. TCU goes undefeated, with wins against Clemson, Virginia, Utah, then got to destroy an also undefeated Boise State, at some neutral site in Wyoming, and you’d have a Horned Frog sighting in Pasadena. Sure, this year that would probably mean Texas gets the shaft, but regardless, I love this idea. It is the first step towards super-conferences in college football, probably the closest we will ever get to a real playoff.

It would be great if this year the ACC and Big East had to square off after the conference title games to see if say Cincinnati gets a legit shot at the BCS title game. Or Texas has to first play the TCU/Boise State winner. More or less this is the Plus 1 model, which I despise in theory, but if you think of it more as a regional precursor, then I am more for this situation.

Really, I just want to go back to 1992. Blow up the BCS, skip past the Bowl Alliance, and just let the money grubbing bowls pick whomever they want, based mainly on regions. You want ratings to come back up across the board, instead of just being afterthoughts to the BCS title game? Sign up.

Orange: ACC vs. Big East

Sugar: SEC vs. At Large

Fiesta: Big 12 vs. Mountain West/WAC

Rose: Big 10 vs. Pac 10

Cotton: At Large vs. At Large

Bam. 10 teams, all playing each other on (sort of) neutral fields. Let the voters sort it out. Stupid idea? Of course. Also what worked for 50+ years with much less complaint than the current system. Isn’t fun when you go into the bowl game as #4, and if you destroy #1 and # 2 and # 3 lose by just enough, you win the title? Woooo! College football!

I knew I should have done Angelo Pappas quotes

“The U might be back, but we never left,” said Virginia Tech cornerback Rashad Carmichael.

True indeed. Miami was embarrassed throughout the game, and also embarrassing. Dropped passes, missed tackles, zero pass protection.

To be honest, I was worried the second Mark “Fucking Douchebag” May picked Miami on Friday night. You know when he is picking Miami, a team he so utterly despises, that any opponent with a pulse will be pulling out the motivation card full tilt. Lo and behold, Miami is still not talented enough to overcome a higher motivated opponent.

After the first quarter Harris fumble, and ensuing touchdown giveaway, my mind raced immediately back to 2003. Va Tech jumps to an early lead at home against a “media’s darling” Miami team, grabs some more well deserved bounces, and the rout is on. Once Jimmy Graham dropped two straight passes that would have turned the entire outcome of the game on its head, the Kevin Everett flashbacks wouldn’t stop until 6am. Did Graham lose the game? Of course not. The inability to protect Harris was the reason Miami lost this game. Everyone knew Miami could get down even two scores and come back on Beamer’s teams. They just don’t score enough, and fast enough, to truly blow out any team.

The halftime adjustments by Whipple proved successful, if for only a little while. Harris went to three step drops, instead of the 5-7 he usually does, and Miami strode down the field for a patented two minute drive to open the third quarter. Every Miami fan is now thinking “OK, OK, one stop, another score, we got them on their heels, tie the game, win it late!” The difference? Bud Foster, my friends.

Bud Foster proved once again he has the football mind to be a head coach, oh, ten years ago. Who knows his reasoning for never stepping up to the throne. Regardless, his defenses are always top notch, and yesterday afternoon was no different. Harris had never been pressured this season, and when your offense is predicated on deep throws, you need time to see the field. I knew the Whipple had been schooled on this afternoon when Harris threw his game clinching pick. ABC showed us the replay: Miami ran one of their double routes that has worked so brilliantly for two games. What did Va Tech CB Rashad Carmichael do? He stared right at Harris, did not bite on any WR fake, as he was no doubt coached to do by Foster, and stepped right into the throw. Game over.

This coming week against Oklahoma will tell us a lot about Mark Whipple’s playcalling. Bud Foster is a great defensive mind. Stoops has that same mind, but he also has NFL talent across the board. Whipple needs to rig the game in Miami’s favor, stack the line if need be, throw in some wrinkles to let Harris throw. Whipple’s offense works, and it works well. The receivers were open yesterday, Harris just couldn’t get them the ball.

We will never know how much the rain affected this team, but hello people, both teams were poured on like Noah. For all the Miami passes one could say were incomplete due to the rain, I will counter that every single Va Tech running back cut was like he was on ice. They would come to a near complete stop, then turn directions. Yet Miami still couldn’t tackle them! If it was a clear Virginia night, Miami would have had Ga Tech Running Horror II on their hands for all we know.

I am the biggest Randy supporter. I want him to succeed sooooo badly, it makes me sick when anyone rails on him to be fired. He is the only coach who will stay at Miami and not use it for an NFL job. Plain and simple. Miami doesn’t need him to succeed. The program has already proven it can take any coach, literally, and with great recruiting win a national title or five. However, with that coaching turnover comes program turnover. With Randy, Miami can be top 10 material for 15 years running. With that said, I still have one ongoing gripe. For two years now, when the shit hits the fan, Randy stands on the sideline like a father who is pissed off like all hell at his son, but refuses to help them out because he wants them to learn something. I love Randy, but I am sick of him standing there with a combination scowl/bewilderment stare on his face. Do something. Yell at someone. Fire up the players. Get in the faces of the assistants. Literally, just do SOMETHING.

When all is said and done, a 2-2 start is still a great start to the season. The ACC is still open for the taking, and I still see Miami running the rest of the conference slate undefeated. Oklahoma next week, 8pm start, definitely the Gameday crew. Perhaps more than 40K show up? Nah.

2-0.

Not only the overall record, but also the conference record. Against two of the top three teams in the ACC. One could not envision a better start to the 2009 season. Randy Shannon just inked his extension, and let me tell you, it will be expensive. Kirby should have signed him when he had the (7-6) chance. Nonetheless, in the end, we all win.

One could have been worried with Georgia Tech’s opening drive. All runs, and Miami couldn’t stop them. Bend but don’t break is this season’s defensive mantra, and the Canes D held true to form. One field goal later, in all actuality this game was over. Thanks for coming down Yellow Jackets. It was nice of you to show up. Why? Because the first drive led by Jacory Harris was 2000-02 Dorsey-esque. Two minutes or less, right down the field, unstoppable in every form. You knew right away Miami was going to score at will the entire game, and all the D needed was a few stops. Jacory Harris + Mark Whipple = Junior year Ken Dorsey. Drops back, is never touched, takes as long as he wants to find open ass fast as fudge receivers.

Harris was 20 of 25 for 270 yards and 3 TDs. Two incompletions were drops. Another was TE Jimmy Graham deflecting a pass intended for Leonard Hankerson. The bastards. The guy is just on a tear. I cannot wait until Miami hits the “easy” part of their schedule. This is the season Miami starts bringing back the fear of their opponents. The ACC middle tiers will start to circle Miami on their calendar as an automatic loss. As it should have been since 2004.

Miami is now 14-2 all time in Thursday nighters, 10-0 at home. Got damn, Jimmy. That is some serious gourmet shit. We woulda been satisfied with some freeze-dried, taster’s choice! Last year’s debacle in Atlanta, and a narrow loss to Pittsburgh in 1997 are the only blemishes on the Thursday night record.

This game makes me happy not only for this season, but for the future against Paul Johnson-led teams. He will eventually get much better players running his triple option, but Miami showed tonight it won’t matter. This defense has zero depth outside of the D-line, and still stopped them cold save the first drive. Now that’s some good shit, mein.

One negative, if we’re nitpicking? 45,329 in attendance. Green tarps in the upper deck covering all the empty seats. Pathetic, but what’s new with Miami football? Atlanta fans aren’t coming down to Miami Gardens for a Thursday nighter, and we all know Canes fans don’t show up unless it’s Florida State. But what happened to the Thursday night sold out rule? Even Texas A&M a couple years back filled up the old OB. Good thing Miami doesn’t need a home crowd to play well.

After last week I wanted an ACC title game appearance. This week, save for playing FSU again in Tampa, I want an ACC title. I still do not expect it, and that is not some reverse psychology. Contrary to popular opinion, if we cross our legs incorrectly at home we do not affect the outcome of any games. I just still feel like the youth and/or defense will cause a conference loss or two. Watching this offense for two weeks, I realistically believe an ACC Championship is the new ceiling for this squad. Before the season started, a 2-2 start, regardless of whom the wins came against, I said I would be very happy. Well, we already have our 2-2 start. Lets just say I am very happy. Muwahahaha.

♫♫ Jacory Jacory, so good to me,
Whipple Whipple, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh Thursday night game, Thursday  night game could guarantee
That Thursday night win, you would still be here with me. ♫♫

Again, 0-4 can go fuck itself. Along with all you Randy haters.

Georgia Tech 2-0 (1-0) @ Miami 1-0 (1-0)

Land Shark Stadium

Miami Gardens, FL

No, I don’t never sleep too much. Triple option week and all. I have to sleep with one eye open, and I only got one eye, right?… I’m forty-three. Forty-three years old. You know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Speed. The spectacle of speedy acts. Somebody steals from me, I call on Ed Reed to run a pick six. He offends me, I sick Kenny Phillips on him with a contract hit across the middle. He rises against me, I cut off his head, stick it on a pike, raise it high up so all the ACC can see. Then I draw an unsportsmanlike penalty. Before they even existed. That’s what preserves the order of things. Speed. Late hits. Taunting. And beating Texas 46-3. That team last week, who were they? A nobody. A coward. Almost lost to Jacksonville State. What an ignominious end that would have been. This week, the Johnson and me, we live by the same principles. Only the triple option divides us. He gave me this, you know. That was the finest beating I ever took. My face was pulp, my guts was pierced, my players, all embarrassed. And when he finished me, I couldn’t look him in the eye. He spared me because he wanted me to live in shame. To watch the replay for 12 months. Dwyer up the middle. Dwyer on the outside. This was a great man. A great man. So I cut out the eye that looked away. Sent it to him wrapped in green and orange paper. I would have cut ‘em both out if I could have fought him blind. This week, I rise back up again with a full heart, a new Whipple, and bury him in his own triple option blood….

A challenge.

Challenge accepted.

Official Prediction: Miami 37, Georgia Tech 21

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Florida
2	Southern Cal
3	Texas
4	Alabama
5	California
6	Brigham Young	3
7	Penn State
8	LSU
9	Mississippi	1
10	Boise State	3
11	Georgia Tech
12	TCU	4
13	Utah	2
14	Ohio State	2
15	Nebraska	2
16	Virginia Tech	7
17	Cincinnati	2
18	Miami (Florida)	4
19	Oklahoma	1
20	Kansas	1
21	Michigan	3
22	North Carolina	4
23	Houston
24	Oklahoma State	18
25	Georgia
Last week’s ballot

Dropped Out: Florida State (#22), Notre Dame (#25).

-Miami drops to #18 due to their FSU win losing some luster.

-Va Tech moves up to #16 after I reconsidered their loss to Alabama, and see them in a slightly better light. Also, it’s rather difficult right now to fill up the teens after only two games.

-I’m proud of myself for ranking Michigan last week, and they move up three spots after shutting up the “Sizable Schematic Advantage” from South Bend.

-TCU proved their pre-season ranking wasn’t a fluke; rather they just didn’t shit the bed like other teams (Okie State)

-Speaking of Oklahoma State: I don’t really know what to do with them. Do they suck? If so, that means Georgia really sucks. But does Georgia suck? They just put up 41 against South Carolina, yet gave up 37. Are they both good? Who the fudge knows. What I do know? Houston goes in front of them both.

Comments welcome, and if you do a good convincing job, I just may change the ballot.

Lets run through some numbers for ESPN College Football:

-5th most viewed regular season game? Miami v. FSU 1994.

-4th most viewed regular season game? Miami v. Florida 2008.

-2nd most viewed regular season game? Miami v. FSU 2009.

-1st most viewed game, post season included? Miami v. FSU 2006.

-Last year’s SEC championship of Alabama v. Florida was the highest rated game for CBS since? Miami v. Notre Dame 1990.

-Which broadcast, sports or non, “won the night” last December 27th? The 2008 Emerald Bowl, Miami v. California.

The facts obviously speak for themselves. Miami = Big Time Ratings. Love ‘em or (most likely) hate ‘em, the Hurricanes bring in the viewers. Hence, it is time for the Canes to go back to the great years of lore, and declare their independence from the college football world.

Miami could command a deal even better than Notre Dame, if they are willing to go heel. No team will ever beat the losers in South Bend for national prominence. This country is just too damn conservative religious for that to happen. However, if Miami endorses it’s “Hate the U” mentality, we could have a ratings bonanza on our hands. Go snag a deal with Fox, the hated network, a perfect match, and Miami would also have themselves one sweet ass schedule.

Do we stop playing ACC opponents? Of course not. Do we play only other Independents, or in other words, all the service academies plus Temple? Hells naw. Notre Dame annually plays four teams (USC, Navy, Michigan State, and Purdue). They have another three they play nearly every year (Michigan, Stanford, Pittsburgh). The Domers current deal with NBC expires in 2010 and is said to be $9 million per. You telling me Miami wouldn’t want that size of pie, to go along with any potential BCS money?

Try this Miami centric example on for size:

Yearly rotating opponents:

• Florida State
• South Florida
• Central Florida
• Florida Atlantic

Nearly every year opponents:

• Virginia Tech
• Boston College
• Rutgers
• Pittsburgh

Four extra teams (for this example only) that would normally rotate on “Home and Home” games:

• Florida
• Mississippi State
• Illinois
• Houston

Does that schedule, overall, look rather easy? Fuck yea it does! That’s the point! When you’re an Independent, and you’re good, you take advantage. Go take a look at those entire schedules the 80’s Miami teams were playing. They didn’t play the entire top 10. There was plenty of cupcakes. The reason everyone joined a conference was because of the guaranteed extra bowl money. 2004-2008 Miami would’ve gone broke without the ACC payout from the BCS.

Using this example, and considering the past 3 years or so, Miami would most likely play 4 ranked teams (FSU, UF, USF, VTech). If BC, Rutgers, or Pitt are having a quality year, they have another couple ranked opponents. Plus Miami gets to keep it’s Big East connection. The rest of the games are solely for recruiting purposes: Houston gets you Texas, MSU gets you the hotbed of the South, Illinois gets you the big, fat, caucasian Midwestern lineman. Every few years throw in a Pac 10 team for a West Coast footprint.

Once Miami gets top 10 humming again, this type of schedule would produce a guaranteed 9-10 wins a year, a BCS bowl, and only the rivalry FSU game plus the one tough yearly team (UF in this case) as toss-ups. At the same time, Miami gets wins against the Big Ten, SEC, Big East, and ACC. They even save on travel costs for all the in-state opponents, and will even play some away games to help ‘em out.

This is all in jest, for conference play is where it’s at nowadays. Still, someone get me Kirby and Donna on the line!

“What’s not to enjoy?” President Shalala said. “We’ve got an offense.”

Ah.

No, really. Ahhhhhhhhh.

Everyone, please let that quote sink in…….REAAAAAALLLLL DEEEEEEEEEP.

What did my Canes Consiglieri and I discuss at halftime? The sheer ecstasy of getting first downs. In a row. On the same drive. Our best quote? “How’s that for a fucking two minute drill!”

This was Randy Shannon’s first big win. The win we were all waiting for, two years running. The program changer. The UCLA circa 1998 for Butch Davis. A national title doesn’t show up on the doorstep after the program changer, so everyone please remain somewhat calm. It only shows promise for things to come.

Mark Whipple is the real deal. After one game I would not normally come to this conclusion. However, this FSU defense did not lack in talent. They got pressure, Jacory eluded it. They blitzed, Whipple had deep balls ready to be thrown. Even the shotgun running game, in a free sandwich stalemate with a Biscayne Bay hobo since 2005, was able to produce, including the game winning score.

The real turning point, the drive that made me a true believer regardless of the outcome, was the drive to tie the game at 31. Jacory converted three 3rd down passes, including one great YAC from Hankerson on a 3rd and 15. Jacory hit a crossing route in stride for another first down. He does the “backpedal away from middle pressure throw” like an NFL pro. As has been said ad nauseam already one day later, the kid is the real deal. We finally have our next Dorsey; he’ll even stay all four years.

One week ago, Miami was staring at a legitimate 0-4 start. Now, barely any chips falling where they may later, and my realistic self is envisioning a 3-1 top 15 beginning to a potentially fantastic season. In 1995, Gary Barnett thought his Northwestern Wildcats were one year away from Big Ten title contention. Lo and behold, you cannot wait when your players decide they want to step up. One Rose Bowl fantasy season later, we all know the outcome.

I can see this season shaping the same way for Miami. Everyone spoke of 2010 as the “national title” year. As much optimism as any Cane fan had coming into the season regarding Whipple’s offense over Nix, those ceilings were shot to shit after the first drive. My realistic best case scenario for Miami this year was a 2-2 start, followed by 1 more dropped game, for a 9-3 Gator/Peach Bowl finish. Now? I want that 3-1 start, near demand it, after seeing this offense click on snap one. After seeing the rest of the ACC drop a turd nugget for America, I want that ACC championship game appearance.

This is not to say that is what Miami’s future holds. In 10 days Miami will play it’s toughest game of the season, sans Bradford miraculously recovering from this first NFL contract ruining injury. Jim Lovett and Randy have some serious work to do regarding their back seven. Lets hope the fact two starters were out in the backfield, including “reminds me of Ed Reed” Vaughn Telemaque, created the noticeable volume in yardage allowed. Those saying Miami needn’t worry about GaTech, due to their stopping FSU’s ground game, well, I believe we were watching different games son. Ponder ran the QB draw at will, and I believe Jimbo Fisher simply decided (correctly) that he might as well score the fast and easier way, through the air. Paul Johnson’s triple option, which also knows how to pass, can and will tear Miami to shreds if they do not adjust substantially before next Thursday.

Randy said in his presser that this is now like an NFL season. If he meant the run to the playoffs, he is correct. Miami is sitting 1 game out of the Wild Card, and mathematically cannot afford to lose. Last week was the biggest game of the season. Next Thursday is now the biggest game of the season. The next true test for this possibly defining season is how Miami responds to some notoriety. Lest we forget, last year Miami was one GaTech road win away from playing for the ACC title. 41-23 later, they were on their way to 7-6.

This is only one game. One huge game for the confidence of the team, yet only one game. Once all the adrenaline excitement wears off, I have extended excitement for the fact the ACC does not know how to schedule a season. When you win these way too early conference games, especially against the upper tier, it feels prettay good. Knowing Miami will be sitting one game prettier in the standings come November is a refresher.

How is this for a reality check? As of today, I think Miami loses to GaTech. Paul Johnson will exploit the holes in the Hurricanes’ defense with a game tape to learn from. Despite objections, the Yellow Jackets are better than FSU. Miami will have to decide if rushing only four players will suffice against the triple option. Please Randy do not instruct the players to go for the strip before tackling like last year’s debacle in Atlanta. We want pure tackling, Bend But Don’t Break, and let Jacory + Whipple do their thing. GaTech will not have the horses to run with Miami’s receivers. Keep ‘em close to the vest Lovett, and make them earn their touchdowns, and we got ourselves a possible win.

New realistic dream season? 10-2 regular season, lose only to soon to be unstoppable GaTech, and one random let down, narrowly miss the ACC title game, still picked for the BCS as an at large top 10 team. The opponent? Notre Dame. Miami gets to take it’s turn schellacking those wannabe quakers undeserving of a BCS bid. Go play some more lower tier BCS conference opponents and join a conference already.

The season looks brighter today.

“You know something JaScory, I think this just might be my masterpiece.”

0-4 can go fuck itself.

Miami 0-0 (0-0) @ Florida State 0-0 (0-0)

Doak Campbell Stadium

Tallahassee, FL

Three cowboys were sitting around the campfire one evening during the cattle drive. One was from Kansas, another from Wyoming, and the third from Texas.

As often happens among rough, tough men living rugged, hard lives, tall tales of bravado and manliness were exchanged.

The cowboy from Kansas said, “I’m the meanest, hardest hombre this side of the Pecos River. On the last roundup, a big Brahma bull got loose and gored six cowboys before I jumped on that big fella, wrestled him to the ground and hog-tied him all by my lonesome.”

The cowpoke from Wyoming gave a snort of disgust, spit out his wad of tobacco and claimed, “Why that’s nothing, just last Fall I was guiding a wagon train through Indian territory when a nest of rattlesnakes spooked my horse and I was thrown right smack dab in the middle of them. I had to grab ‘em all before I was bit. With both hands full of snake, the only way to kill them was to bite their heads off. Now tell me that ain’t the manliest thing you’ve ever heard.”

The Texan remained quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

That, my fellow Cane brethren, is exactly how I feel regarding this 2009 season. The Texan. Sitting, roasting his cock in the fire, listening to other tall men tell tales of grandeur, of bravado, of ACC titles and top 10 rankings, of difficult schedules and coaches with backup quarterbacks. Miami sits back, waits. People acknowledge the supposed talent on this team, but few acknowledge the ability of the players to play up to a decent (even 2-2) start.

Fans are already trying to run Randy Shannon out of town, a mere two years in. No coach in Miami’s proud history was given a worse combination of talent and expectations. Pessimistic fans are clamoring for a “2009 BCS bowl or bust” mentality. Optimistic fans are chanting “2010 serious national title contenders.” I am neither. I look forward to 2011-2018. Eight years, six top ten finishes, one national title, one national title loss, four ACC titles. I look forward to “The Program” being reestablished. The “State of Miami” residing once again in Coral Gables. Shit fools. Let Randy build something here.

The dreaded 0-4 is on everyone’s mind. Me? I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about it. It’s there. It’s in our faces. This season is make or break by the first week of October. That alone makes this the most exciting Canes’ season start in memory. Game 1 against FSU is the season. No way putzin’ around the facts. Spoiler alert! Miami will not start 4-0, and most likely will lose to Oklahoma. A win to begin is desperately needed, and I believe Miami is going to get that win. Jacory will step up, shine in the prime time Labor Day lights, running Whipple’s offense to (at least to our Nix’ian tainted eyes) perfection. The defense will be “flying around, hitting some people.”

Florida State returns its entire O-line. More importantly, they return a QB from a 9-4 team, who gained notoriety with a 30+ point bowl win. However, previous year’s bowl game results are consistently overrated. Too much turnover, too much lost mental momentum. The home crowd will keep it closer than actuality, just like the 2008 whooping FSU put on Miami. Jacory hits some early 2nd quarter downfield throws for big yards, we get some YAC, and the defense grabs one turnover to put the O in great field position for an easy score. Big first half lead, hold on for a closer than it seems win.

Official Prediction: Miami 34, Florida State 27

Tip to the 7th Floor, because I sure as shit don’t look at the Bradenton Herald for any Hurricane news. Ken Dorsey, our prodigal son, has finally accepted his limitations of a playing career and taken his next inevitable step, coaching. We can all look forward to:

2012: Grad Assistant

2013: Offensive Assistant

2015: QBs Coach

2017: Offensive Coordinator

2019: Assistant Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator

And when Randy finally decides to hang ‘em up after 15 years on the job, 3 national titles, and a platinum statue outside Hecht to boot, good ole Kracker Dorsey will be groomed and ready. Somebody start the parade.

Well, that was quick. Taylor Cook has chosen Rice University as his next collegiate destination. Considering his high school was named Rice Consolidated, 80 miles west of Houston, this one seems a simple decision. With multiple data sources proving high school recruits site their location to a school as their biggest deciding factor, I think it might be time for Miami to stop recruiting the podunk non-Florida towns. Randy did state this past recruiting season that Miami has adopted an “one hour” rule. Meaning, if a recruit does not live within one hour of a major airport, so family can hop on a plane to Miami and watch their kids, just say no. Taylor Cook would not be recruited this season under this principle.

The irony? This Herald article on Cook from last Monday. His nickname is Cookie, and he dropped this great quote that won’t play very well after his subsequent departure:

Last spring, Cook said he needed to work on getting rid of the ball quicker. He said he loves competition — “my drive is insane” — and accepts his role as being one injury away from taking over.

Seems the summer makes all the difference from spring. I’m slightly disappointed in his transfer, as I have had positive day dreams of Harris being temporarily injured, for say two games, nothing big, and Cook enters in without skipping a beat. His size, his arm, under Whipple’s direction, all had me thinking pleasant backup thoughts. Alas.

Regardless, Rice is looking prettay strong in a few years. With Sam McGuffie transferring from Michigan last year, both him and Taylor Cook will be eligible in 2010. Rice should stop recruiting high school players, and just start poaching the homesick Texans residing within two hours of Houston. Conference USA, 10-3 season in 2008, transferring four star Texan recruits who can’t beat out local talent? Burgeoning powerhouse!

Great read as usual over at Heather Dinich’s ACC blog. She has a two parter on Mark Whipple, here and here.

Whipple doesn’t hit as hard this interview with the great quotes, maybe he was keeping it clean for the ladies. One excerpt:

Heather Dinich: Well, I guess that’s my way of asking how complicated is it? How much are you asking these guys to learn right away?

Mark Whipple: Well, I’m asking them to learn a lot. To me it’s not like if you walk into class and Albert Einstein was your teacher and he has the theory of relativity and you can’t understand it. Then it’s not a very good class. People going into class coming out say I understand that, I get that. That’s what’s more important. I can write a 15-page paper, and while that might be impressive, the five-page paper was a lot better. The systems have worked. They worked at Pittsburgh, they worked in Philadelphia, they worked at the University of Massachusetts, at Brown University. There’s things out of all of them. What I told our guys is, this is the Miami offense. You try things and continue to try different things and hope they work. You plan for them and try to explain why, and we want feedback from the players on certain things. That’s always been beneficial because then they have ownership of what they’re doing.

Survey says! You're the new backup QB!

Diaaaamn Gina! I picked a hell of a week to move across the country! Both backup QBs decide to transfer at the same time? Seriously? Why even come to Miami in the first place? I keed, I keed.

In actuality, one of them should have transferred last spring. Taylor Cook, Cannon Smith, and Jacory Harris are all in the same class. Neither of those crackers are ever beating out Harris for the starting job, and if he does leave after his junior season, which is highly unlikely given his size, Randy probably at that point goes with some 4-star Redshirt Sophomore over two lame duck Seniors. This really was a no-brainer for these guys.

See Randy’s reaction to Cook and Smith’s transfers here. They can go anywhere but an ACC school. They came into his office at separate times, spoke of completely different reasoning. In the end, who cares? These guys are the backups. Neither of them could distinguish themselves from a true freshman. It’s not like this is mid-90s Michigan here, with a Scott Dreisbach as the starter, Brian Griese #2, and Tom Brady #3. Cook and Smith will most likely go to D-1AA and potentially thrive, and more power to them.

Your own fickle fan base is prematurely calling for your head. Rumors swirl in the national media that your own athletic director declined to talk extension. Randy Shannon’s response?

Pound that shot of whiskey, double down on himself, and flip over those cards after being called by some bitches from the Old Southern States Conference. Randy stands with quiet confidence, in his new OC Mark Whipple, his new unquestioned starting QB Jacory Harris, and his youthful defense maturing enough to stop a simple triple option.

Everything depends on the FSU game. With the following week off, a quiet momentum could be established with a solid showing and a win versus the ‘Noles. As I’ve said all along, a 2-2 start will suffice for 2009 to still be a great season. Throw those two wins against ACC opponents and it’s just gravy.