10 wins in year three? AYYYYYYY!!!

When other people do the work for me, it makes an easy post. Part one here, part two here. You want some excitement to build upon before the bowl games goes down? Look no further…

Heather Dinich: Tell me more about what you guys started to do defensively down the stretch.

Randy Shannon: The thing that got us, the beginning of the season, we were lights-out on defense, besides Florida State. Georgia Tech we did a great job, Oklahoma did a great job, and then we started getting these injuries. We lost Ray Ray Armstrong at one point in time, we lost Joe Joseph, Jordan Futch, he was out, that hurt us big time with everything we were doing on special teams. And then we lost Sean Spence, and the defensive line was a rotation. When you keep losing defensive linemen and you’re trying to plug guys in, there’s no continuity. But I think the continuity came around the last four games of the season, it really started coming around. Third down we were getting off the field, maybe 65, 70 percent of the time, and it really started to show. They started to feel each other out a lot more towards the end.

I will always argue injuries are not an excuse. In 10 years the generic fan will not remember Oklahoma was without their Heisman winning QB all year. Injuries may not be an excuse, but they are a reason. They ruin seasons, and Miami’s defense was pretty awesome before all the dominoes went down. If Lovett can get them back to their early season peak for the entire 2010 season, we could all be in for a 2003 treat.

Look at the SEC. 10 years ago the conference was an overall joke. You had Spurrier, and 11 misfits. The coaches were so inept outside the Ole Ball Coach, that Phil Fulmer could win the national title. Case in point, once the conference started getting great coaches across the board, Fulmer was exposed for the horrible coach he always was. Now? Spurrier is arguably the 5th best coach. You have Urban Meyer and Nick Saban, two of the top five best in the nation. Les Miles, Mark Richt, Bobby Petrino, even Houston Nutt has proven he can put together some great seasons every five years. What the ACC needs more than anything is quality football coaches.

This is not to say the ACC doesn’t have its share of good coaches. Paul Johnson, Frank Beamer, David Cutcliffe, Jim Grobe. Then you have the ok coaches fantastic recruiters in Randy Shannon and Butch Davis, which is nothing to scoff at. Dabo Swiney has proven this year he’s sort of figured out how to break the Clemson curse. After that, however, the cupboard is bare. Bowden we all know about, Ralph Friedgen is on his way out, Al Groh as well, Tom O’Brien should’ve never left Chesnut Hill, and Frank Spaziana is untested. Lets assume in the next two years both Virginia and Maryland fire their head guys and are looking for new blood. It is imperative they hire top quality coaches to help rebuild their programs. Rumors that Al Golden is up for Virginia, and they should grab that guy yesterday. The ACC has become the spot for NFL retreads. It’s because these normally basketball boosters think on paper an NFL mind will just show up and own the college amateurs on the sidelines. We’ve seen how that has worked out across the country.

Anton you must be crazy! Why do you want the doormat schools to get great coaches? Won’t that hurt Miami? No son, it will only help. Look at Florida and Alabama. They clearly have the best players/best coaching combination, so they beat near everyone every year. Yes, the games are close, they don’t dominate, but the end result is national respect for the middle tier of the conference, pushing the SEC champ into the BCS title game seemingly every year, regardless of actually conference schedule strength.

David Cutcliffe at Duke is a perfect example already in place. He is a great coach, one who has taken Duke to heights unprecedented in 20 years. Will he ever win the conference title? Probably not. But he has taken a doormat and made them a respectable win. The ACC can’t have any winless conference teams and expect national respect. Right now the ACC is on par with the Big East in terms of BCS conferences, and rightfully so. The ACC has sucked for years, pretty much since they poached the Big East. A 9-6 title game in front of 30,000 people with a noon time-slot? Definition of embarrassing.

Coaches are dying to get into the SEC. It pays fantastic, most states have no professional team, and the fans live and die by the results on Saturday. Yes, the ACC is and always will be a basketball conference. That does not mean they can’t create a better atmosphere and attitude for their football counterparts. Half the ACC are football schools. With Duke and North Carolina both on the way up, it’s not hard to envision three years from now having a great middle tier of teams raising the profile of whomever goes undefeated or 7-1 each year. Best to root for Georgia Tech to win out this season, it will only help Miami next year.

All I want for Christmas?

14-24 for 146 yards, 1 TD, zero picks.

Please recruit the next Craig Krenzel. That is all.

I know the game was bad, but when you break it down into just one sentence? Ouch.

“Look at it this way,” Shannon said. “Three years ago, if we would’ve had 11 penalties, four turnovers, an interception for a touchdown, a kickoff for a touchdown, we didn’t have a chance. That’s when you know you’re seeing the change.”

Always the sunny side, that Randy. And in two years, we’ll all laugh at how cute Clemson was for staying within three touchdowns.

Clemson 3-3 (2-2) @ Miami 5-1 (2-1)

Land Shark Stadium

Miami Gardens, FL

I know your works. You are neither cold nor hot. So because you are lukewarm, I will spew you out of my mouth. You can build your ACC Atlantic division without me. I’m Coastal. If I only had the bullets I’d shoot every last one of you who comes off the basketball ship.

I took the father. Now I’ll take the son. You tell young Bowden I’m gonna paint Coconut Grove with his blood. Two coats. I’ll festoon my bedchamber with his guts.

What? He got fired? Are you sure? (pause) Your mouth all glued up with cunny juice? I asked you a question! Oh, you got a murderous streak in you up in Clemson, that’s for sure.

Well, as for you, Mr. Dabo-fucking-Sweeney, you come down to the Grove again, and you’ll be dispatched by my own hand. Get back to your game preparations and let me eat in peace.

Official Prediction: Miami 28, Clemson 10

Looks like Miami is thinking ahead a little bit after this month long offensive explosion. If you ask me, this is definitely the way to go. You want someone in there learning everything Whipple has to offer. You never know how long he will stick around, scout team progeny or not.

Here is the link:

http://miami.craigslist.org/mdc/edu/1406590345.html

Below is the ad copied from Craigslist:

Looking for energetic candidate to assist/become clone of current OC.

Duties:

- Learn philosophy and playbook of current OC
- Work 80 hrs/week with little pay
- Travel extensively during recruiting season

Requirements:

- College degree
- Willing to relocate to Coral Gables
- Free of family obligations (unmarried and childless is preferred)

- Willing to learn workings of current OC’s system, including but not limited to:
a) Moxie
b) Tendency to throw on 1st down
c) Ability to not let a holding penalty kill a drive and “get it back” within two plays
d) Willingness to throw on 3rd and 6 to ice the game instead of running into a stacked box

- Former Maxwell Award-winning QB with NFL experience and California recruiting ties = BIG plus

Benefits:

- Prospects of promotion
- Entry to ladder toward HC gig at top-flight program

Serious inquiries only please.

Coach, you rich!

Uh, ya fucking think?

Did I pick Miami to lose? Why yes, yes I did. Was it some kind of reverse psych out? Nope. I was simply wrong. Before the kickoff, I truly thought Oklahoma would take a big early lead, then hold on. Yet, one quarter into the game, down 10 points to one of the top 3 programs of the decade, I knew Miami was on its way to victory. Oklahoma had numerous chances to blow this game wide open, make Miami play from behind with the crowd asleep, and couldn’t cash in. Jacory stopped throwing the ball wild downfield, receivers starting making catches, the defense stepped up, and Baby J played the game of his life. All to victory.

Way to stick to the gameplan Whipple. Miami will need to start shopping around for a backup OC to learn all the details under this genius. Miami moved the ball on this #1 defense from the first drive. Even when OU got to Jacory, delivered big hits, caused fumbles, Whipple did not divert. If not for Jacory locking on this deep ball early, to the tune of two first quarter picks, Miami would have blown this one out. Contrast that with Oklahoma. They got their early two score cushion, and sat on it. Stopped letting their new star freshman QB throw the ball downfield. All runs, all short passes to the flat. Watching the game with OU faithful, they were disgusted, and rightfully so. Stoops star, arguably, is fading. They lost a WR and their backup QB couldn’t complete a pass downfield to save his life. More importantly, his OC refused to call a pass play past 10 yards downfield. Showing no confidence in his QB. Stoops will still win you conference titles, get you 10 wins a year, and there is definitely something to be said about that. You don’t win or even compete for the national title every year. Fans who demand it are ridiculous. However, Stoops needs to interject some new assistant blood in there. The OoC coaches have caught up to his gameplans.

Ray Ray! Talk about a star in the making. Armstrong played incredible, no missed tackles, big hits, The Big Hit, and really is our next All-American safety. Lets incorporate the old rule of “You get hurt you never see field again.” Players would refuse to come out in practice for even the tiniest of injuries, for fear their backup would win their job and never relinquish it. Armstrong and Telemaque should be starting pronto. It’s not like Phillips came out of the woodwork like senior year Brandon Meriweather. Let these two talent fiends learn on the job, play these next 3-5 weeks against easy win opponents, make their mistakes, and start making plays late in the year in Tampa.

Watching at home, the crowd, even at 60K, double upper deck tarps and all, showed up and made a difference. Can we brainwash all the fans that Miami is 9-0 and playing either FSU, OU, or UF every week?

This recap can’t go without a shout out to Baby James. Javarris played the best game of his career, the one we have all been waiting 4 years for. He keeps this up, gets himself a 1K rushing season, and there might be some whispers of a late first round pick based on his surname.

After the game finished, I was elated. For the obvious reasons of course, but also because Miami didn’t squander this opportunity. This team is too young, as they should have blown OU out. On the flip side, Miami did still almost lose it, and could have. So it’s great that such a young team didn’t waste a victory with a late letdown. The past four seasons, could I make that same claim?

The best part of this game is it truly is “Miami is back.” Sure, Miami can still throw an ACC hiccup this season, or even lose to an up and coming South Florida team on the road. So why are they still “back?” Because Okahoma is one of the three 1980s Miami opponents of stature (FSU and ND the others). Miami came back from the Va Tech embarrassment and played this way, no tricks, no mirrors, came back from 10 down, two picks early picks ruining 14 points for sure, against a “rival” from the heyday of Miami football? Fucking priceless.

Oklahoma 2-1 (0-0) @ Miami 2-1 (2-1)

Land Shark Stadium

Miami Gardens, FL

Randy Shannon, I see you have come to Pai Stoops for some coaching guidance…let us begin.

First, your Okie Drawl is lousy. It causes my ears great discomfort. You bray like an ass! You are not to speak unless spoken to. Is it too much to hope – you speak Texas Twang? Let us move on.

Has your offense played against the #1 defense? How about #4 in sacks? You will cry like the monks in one double ought three. I will make you a deal. If your O-Line can keep Jacory from being sacked, even once, I will bow down and call you master. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

What if your first down is three yards in front of you, what do you do then? Curl into a ball? Or do you put your Spread Offense through them? You do not run the Spread??? What is it you do run? The exquisite art of the Pro-Style offense??? Don’t make me laugh! You’re so-called exquisite art is only fit for northeast NFL fatheads!

I despise the goddamn NFL!

Your so-called Cover 2, is really, quite pathetic. Your defensive playcalling is amateur at best. So my pathetic friend… is there anything that you can do well? You think you’re Frank Broyles award will save you here? I have one of those….from 1996, when you were sucking tit! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Just like all Miami coaches since Jimmy, all you are good at is recruiting – and spending a man’s money! HAHAHAHAHA. From here you can get an excellent view of my championship ring. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

When the game is over, and we have vanquished you yet again, your offense now belongs to me. I want it strong for future strength of schedule purposes. Can you do that?

That is enough lesson for today. Go home and study my multiple conference titles, coaching tree, and Spread Offense. Now, what other business is at hand? Bradford, you treacherous dog!

Official Prediction: Oklahoma 31, Miami 27

I knew I should have done Angelo Pappas quotes

“The U might be back, but we never left,” said Virginia Tech cornerback Rashad Carmichael.

True indeed. Miami was embarrassed throughout the game, and also embarrassing. Dropped passes, missed tackles, zero pass protection.

To be honest, I was worried the second Mark “Fucking Douchebag” May picked Miami on Friday night. You know when he is picking Miami, a team he so utterly despises, that any opponent with a pulse will be pulling out the motivation card full tilt. Lo and behold, Miami is still not talented enough to overcome a higher motivated opponent.

After the first quarter Harris fumble, and ensuing touchdown giveaway, my mind raced immediately back to 2003. Va Tech jumps to an early lead at home against a “media’s darling” Miami team, grabs some more well deserved bounces, and the rout is on. Once Jimmy Graham dropped two straight passes that would have turned the entire outcome of the game on its head, the Kevin Everett flashbacks wouldn’t stop until 6am. Did Graham lose the game? Of course not. The inability to protect Harris was the reason Miami lost this game. Everyone knew Miami could get down even two scores and come back on Beamer’s teams. They just don’t score enough, and fast enough, to truly blow out any team.

The halftime adjustments by Whipple proved successful, if for only a little while. Harris went to three step drops, instead of the 5-7 he usually does, and Miami strode down the field for a patented two minute drive to open the third quarter. Every Miami fan is now thinking “OK, OK, one stop, another score, we got them on their heels, tie the game, win it late!” The difference? Bud Foster, my friends.

Bud Foster proved once again he has the football mind to be a head coach, oh, ten years ago. Who knows his reasoning for never stepping up to the throne. Regardless, his defenses are always top notch, and yesterday afternoon was no different. Harris had never been pressured this season, and when your offense is predicated on deep throws, you need time to see the field. I knew the Whipple had been schooled on this afternoon when Harris threw his game clinching pick. ABC showed us the replay: Miami ran one of their double routes that has worked so brilliantly for two games. What did Va Tech CB Rashad Carmichael do? He stared right at Harris, did not bite on any WR fake, as he was no doubt coached to do by Foster, and stepped right into the throw. Game over.

This coming week against Oklahoma will tell us a lot about Mark Whipple’s playcalling. Bud Foster is a great defensive mind. Stoops has that same mind, but he also has NFL talent across the board. Whipple needs to rig the game in Miami’s favor, stack the line if need be, throw in some wrinkles to let Harris throw. Whipple’s offense works, and it works well. The receivers were open yesterday, Harris just couldn’t get them the ball.

We will never know how much the rain affected this team, but hello people, both teams were poured on like Noah. For all the Miami passes one could say were incomplete due to the rain, I will counter that every single Va Tech running back cut was like he was on ice. They would come to a near complete stop, then turn directions. Yet Miami still couldn’t tackle them! If it was a clear Virginia night, Miami would have had Ga Tech Running Horror II on their hands for all we know.

I am the biggest Randy supporter. I want him to succeed sooooo badly, it makes me sick when anyone rails on him to be fired. He is the only coach who will stay at Miami and not use it for an NFL job. Plain and simple. Miami doesn’t need him to succeed. The program has already proven it can take any coach, literally, and with great recruiting win a national title or five. However, with that coaching turnover comes program turnover. With Randy, Miami can be top 10 material for 15 years running. With that said, I still have one ongoing gripe. For two years now, when the shit hits the fan, Randy stands on the sideline like a father who is pissed off like all hell at his son, but refuses to help them out because he wants them to learn something. I love Randy, but I am sick of him standing there with a combination scowl/bewilderment stare on his face. Do something. Yell at someone. Fire up the players. Get in the faces of the assistants. Literally, just do SOMETHING.

When all is said and done, a 2-2 start is still a great start to the season. The ACC is still open for the taking, and I still see Miami running the rest of the conference slate undefeated. Oklahoma next week, 8pm start, definitely the Gameday crew. Perhaps more than 40K show up? Nah.

Civilization is crumbling.

Nah, jus keedin! It’s only 2003 all over again.

Good thing we don’t play a mediocre Tennessee team next week.

♫♫ Jacory Jacory, so good to me,
Whipple Whipple, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh Thursday night game, Thursday  night game could guarantee
That Thursday night win, you would still be here with me. ♫♫

Again, 0-4 can go fuck itself. Along with all you Randy haters.

Georgia Tech 2-0 (1-0) @ Miami 1-0 (1-0)

Land Shark Stadium

Miami Gardens, FL

No, I don’t never sleep too much. Triple option week and all. I have to sleep with one eye open, and I only got one eye, right?… I’m forty-three. Forty-three years old. You know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Speed. The spectacle of speedy acts. Somebody steals from me, I call on Ed Reed to run a pick six. He offends me, I sick Kenny Phillips on him with a contract hit across the middle. He rises against me, I cut off his head, stick it on a pike, raise it high up so all the ACC can see. Then I draw an unsportsmanlike penalty. Before they even existed. That’s what preserves the order of things. Speed. Late hits. Taunting. And beating Texas 46-3. That team last week, who were they? A nobody. A coward. Almost lost to Jacksonville State. What an ignominious end that would have been. This week, the Johnson and me, we live by the same principles. Only the triple option divides us. He gave me this, you know. That was the finest beating I ever took. My face was pulp, my guts was pierced, my players, all embarrassed. And when he finished me, I couldn’t look him in the eye. He spared me because he wanted me to live in shame. To watch the replay for 12 months. Dwyer up the middle. Dwyer on the outside. This was a great man. A great man. So I cut out the eye that looked away. Sent it to him wrapped in green and orange paper. I would have cut ‘em both out if I could have fought him blind. This week, I rise back up again with a full heart, a new Whipple, and bury him in his own triple option blood….

A challenge.

Challenge accepted.

Official Prediction: Miami 37, Georgia Tech 21

Miami 0-0 (0-0) @ Florida State 0-0 (0-0)

Doak Campbell Stadium

Tallahassee, FL

Three cowboys were sitting around the campfire one evening during the cattle drive. One was from Kansas, another from Wyoming, and the third from Texas.

As often happens among rough, tough men living rugged, hard lives, tall tales of bravado and manliness were exchanged.

The cowboy from Kansas said, “I’m the meanest, hardest hombre this side of the Pecos River. On the last roundup, a big Brahma bull got loose and gored six cowboys before I jumped on that big fella, wrestled him to the ground and hog-tied him all by my lonesome.”

The cowpoke from Wyoming gave a snort of disgust, spit out his wad of tobacco and claimed, “Why that’s nothing, just last Fall I was guiding a wagon train through Indian territory when a nest of rattlesnakes spooked my horse and I was thrown right smack dab in the middle of them. I had to grab ‘em all before I was bit. With both hands full of snake, the only way to kill them was to bite their heads off. Now tell me that ain’t the manliest thing you’ve ever heard.”

The Texan remained quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

That, my fellow Cane brethren, is exactly how I feel regarding this 2009 season. The Texan. Sitting, roasting his cock in the fire, listening to other tall men tell tales of grandeur, of bravado, of ACC titles and top 10 rankings, of difficult schedules and coaches with backup quarterbacks. Miami sits back, waits. People acknowledge the supposed talent on this team, but few acknowledge the ability of the players to play up to a decent (even 2-2) start.

Fans are already trying to run Randy Shannon out of town, a mere two years in. No coach in Miami’s proud history was given a worse combination of talent and expectations. Pessimistic fans are clamoring for a “2009 BCS bowl or bust” mentality. Optimistic fans are chanting “2010 serious national title contenders.” I am neither. I look forward to 2011-2018. Eight years, six top ten finishes, one national title, one national title loss, four ACC titles. I look forward to “The Program” being reestablished. The “State of Miami” residing once again in Coral Gables. Shit fools. Let Randy build something here.

The dreaded 0-4 is on everyone’s mind. Me? I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about it. It’s there. It’s in our faces. This season is make or break by the first week of October. That alone makes this the most exciting Canes’ season start in memory. Game 1 against FSU is the season. No way putzin’ around the facts. Spoiler alert! Miami will not start 4-0, and most likely will lose to Oklahoma. A win to begin is desperately needed, and I believe Miami is going to get that win. Jacory will step up, shine in the prime time Labor Day lights, running Whipple’s offense to (at least to our Nix’ian tainted eyes) perfection. The defense will be “flying around, hitting some people.”

Florida State returns its entire O-line. More importantly, they return a QB from a 9-4 team, who gained notoriety with a 30+ point bowl win. However, previous year’s bowl game results are consistently overrated. Too much turnover, too much lost mental momentum. The home crowd will keep it closer than actuality, just like the 2008 whooping FSU put on Miami. Jacory hits some early 2nd quarter downfield throws for big yards, we get some YAC, and the defense grabs one turnover to put the O in great field position for an easy score. Big first half lead, hold on for a closer than it seems win.

Official Prediction: Miami 34, Florida State 27

Your own fickle fan base is prematurely calling for your head. Rumors swirl in the national media that your own athletic director declined to talk extension. Randy Shannon’s response?

Pound that shot of whiskey, double down on himself, and flip over those cards after being called by some bitches from the Old Southern States Conference. Randy stands with quiet confidence, in his new OC Mark Whipple, his new unquestioned starting QB Jacory Harris, and his youthful defense maturing enough to stop a simple triple option.

Everything depends on the FSU game. With the following week off, a quiet momentum could be established with a solid showing and a win versus the ‘Noles. As I’ve said all along, a 2-2 start will suffice for 2009 to still be a great season. Throw those two wins against ACC opponents and it’s just gravy.

Quick hitter, on Wednesday’s practice in full pads:

“We emphasized the run game and ended the practice with a two-minute drill,” coach Randy Shannon said.

Praise be to Jebus.

A week old but still a great read. If you weren’t jacked about 2009 you will be after listening to Randy. 

”You will see this team taking the next step,” Shannon said in a chat in his office. “The Georgia Tech game last year [a 41-23 loss] made us grow a lot. That will make us a better team record-wise. We’re a lot more talented, have a lot more depth. You don’t have to worry about [defensive-line] depth any more. Two years ago, you had only five defensive linemen to play in a game. That alone should tell you how far we’ve come.”

Lets hope so re: the GaTech game. Playing them second, in prime time no less, they better be ready to fly on that beautiful triple option. And please Randy, no more telling them to strip the ball, at least until one guy has him wrapped up. 

New coordinator Mark Whipple has done ”great things” with the offense, and Shannon will not curtail his creativity. ”If we have to score 70, we’ll score 70,” Shannon said. Another clear sign of Whipple’s impact: “Kids want to be around coaches, want to watch more film on their own.”

Any more naysayers regarding Randy handcuffing spread guru Patrick Nix last year? More than anything about Randy, I love his candor. He goes on to speak about the need for a QB to step up in the backup role, because if JaScory gets hurt, we fucked. OK, so he didn’t say it quite like that, but he might as well. I have faith in Whipple to stick whoever he wants behind center and make them a manageable QB, but we don’t want to find that one out.

(whispers) Kirby, go talk to Donna, get me some money for a DC!

Lost in all the Mark Whipple and National Signing Day hoopla is that fact Miami is still without a Defensive Coordinator. Rumors are that the vault is empty, Randy will have to handle the duties, all because there is no more money to get a big name DC.  Some might think us Canes fans are in a desperate situation. Not one to let any restrictions hinder his search, Athletic Director Kirby Hocutt has decided to bring in a consultant, one who has experienced more than his share of money troubles with an owner (or president), and is not afraid to say what others may not.

Lou Brown: Hocutt! Gimme all your requirements goddamit! I need to know what I’m looking for.

Kirby: Well, Lou, we want someone who runs the Cover 2 Base defense, blitzes rarely, utilizing the front four to put all the pressure, and can pin their ears back once we get a two touchdown lead.

LB: Well, shit. I know a great guy. Knew him back in my days in Cleveland. You might of heard of him, Bob Stoops? He wasn’t much of a career climber. He’s probably still washing cars in the off-season up there in Youngstown, earn a couple extra bucks.

KH: Uh, Lou, Bob Stoops is the head coach of Oklahoma. Has been for over 10 years.

LB: Well, shit. I knew I shouldn’t have moved to London once Taylor took my job. I was doing that sack of shit catcher a favor!

KH: And Lou, we sort of have a budget concern with our Defensive Coordinator hire. We broke the bank on Mark Whipple, and need to keep this one on the lower end of the scale.

LB: No problem Hocutt. I have a great idea. Check out this sketch I just made to scrap together some funds.

Don't Hire a DC without it!

LB: You like it Hocutt? Randy hocking AMEX! You’re sitting on a goldmine here!

KH: Uh, Lou, I don’t think Randy will be OK with this idea. Maybe we can just re-direct some funds from the tennis and diving teams. They run a surplus every few years. President Shalala has been very adamant about not overspending on the coordinators.

LB: Forget about the curve ball Hocutt, give Shalala the heater!

KH: Well, I don’t know Lou. She can be pretty intimidating.

LB: Come on Hocutt, get in front of the damn woman! Don’t give me this “olé” bullshit! Go in there, walk right past her lady secretary, and tell her you are bringing in whoever you damn please! And you’re gonna wine and dine ‘em! Show ‘em the town! Automatic Slims! Mango’s! Monty’s Raw Bar in the Grove!

KH: Lou, I can’t do that. President Shalala insisted no overspending. I can’t take someone out to South Beach, let alone Monty’s. Maybe we can do Chicken Kitchen, but only if I pay.

LB: Chicken Kitchen?! I’ve had it with this nickel and dime shit! I want that bitch on the phone!

KH: Lou, this isn’t a good idea-

LB: Hocutt. Look here. Try this. Throw this in front of your boosters. It worked for me before.

KH: Lou, that is sick. You are a dirty old man. President Shalala has been nothing but supportive to the football team.

(pause)

KH: Lou, this might have been a bad idea bringing you in, maybe we should just leave it at that, go our separate ways…

LB: You don’t wise up and listen to me Hocutt, and guess who’ll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks! You’re from Ohio, right? I hear the other Miami is hiring. You ever think of going back there for a few? I have connections up there. You and Dorn can tag team some third rate hookers out on Lake Erie for all I care!

(pause)

KH: I’ll get back to you on this Lou. Thanks for your advice.

LB: (sighs) Oh, no problem Kirby. (pause) But hey, I figure we ought to hang out together for a while today and see if we can give all those stuck up Coral Gables people a nice big shitburger to eat! Whaddaya say Kirb?”

KH: Uh…I have to go now Lou…I’ll have our secretary get you your check.

LB: Well, alright Hocutt! Now you’re talking. I love this Coral Gables shit! I just might move here!

Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn’t be getting laid with all these recruits, but I do. And do you know why? Because when I’m hanging out with a recruit, that’s all I’m doing is hanging out, talking, listening. I’m not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with them. And this completely confuses them because they’re saying “Wait a minute. I’m so much better looking than this guy. I’m on ESPN’s Top 150. Isn’t he attracted to me?” The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us.

It’s like Butch Davis on the Titanic. He kept saying, “More people, more people.” But Randy was, like, “No.”

Don’t fret Canes fans. Randy has this all under control. Be a Steve, not a Stu.

Miami finishes the year at 7-6, after a OK performance out west on the road. So much could be said about this game, but I will only hit on the main points.

Jacory Harris looked more than able to run an offense, and to run it productively. If this doesn’t facilitate the whiner Marve to transfer, I don’t know what will. Adios, Robbie.

Nix actually called a (relative to his standards) good game last night. The offense got in a groove after they settled in, and was moving the ball down the field with rather ease. However, before we even get into the atrocities that occurred twice (!), I did have one huge gripe with his play calling. Miami kept running this hybrid trap-counter play, that did not work one time, yet they persistently kept using it. Basically, they came out in an I formation, and the fullback went right. The tailback went left, and then immediately did a cut back to the right, insinuating a trap. However, Harris would show he was handing off to the left side immediately after taking the snap, thus negating any surprise factor. Let alone the fact the fullback was long gone into the line by the time the tailback got the ball.

The switch to the Pro-Set. Loved it. And I hope this is a continued staple going forward. If I could chose, I would want the Pro-Set to be my offense, a la USC. The Spread obviously works, but for it to work in the upper echelon of the country, you either need a smart as shit QB (Harrell, Bradford, Daniel) or a once in a generation hybrid who is also your best running back (Tebow). In the Pro-Set, all you need is a heady guy who can make plays when asked, not unlike the NFL. And once Miami started running the ball straight ahead, no gimmicky bullshit misdirections, Lee Chambers was bursting off 6.7 yards per carry.

That defense. Unbelievable. How you don’t have 9 men in the box, every single play, astounds me. Cal should have won this game by 4 touchdowns, if Tedford would’ve just kept himself out of his own way. It was obvious in the first quarter Longshore was benched for a reason; he sucks ass. Cal couldn’t throw the ball anywhere. The only time they got first downs throwing was when a Cane would miss a tackle. So instead of cramming the line with defenders, and ignoring the fact Cal was spreading the field to better it’s rushing attack, Bill Young plays right into their hands, put more DB’s on the field, and voila. An already great runner just tears apart an already horrific rushing defense.

Enough with the pleasantries. Game. Clock. Management. You have got to be fucking kidding me. And anyone who claims this falls on the Harris is a full blown retard, or even worse, a Gator fan. Lets start with the drive before the half. 1:00 remaining, down by 7, ball near midfield, offense just scored. One would think Miami would want to drive down the field, get at least a field goal, have huge momentum in killing a 14-0 deficit, get the ball back after the half, and take their first lead. Right? Am I loco for thinking this? I must be. Because instead of doing any of those things, Miami let the clock run out after a succession of plays. But not run plays. Pass plays. Plays where Harris could throw a pick, be sacked, fumble, whatever. Literally, if you were to ask any right minded OC what he would NOT do in that situation, I do believe letting the clock run on a potential game tying drive by using three passes would be right at the top of the list.

Normally, a drive like that would be the headliner to horrible game clock management. Hahaha. Not so fast my chipmunk friend. The drive to end the game was mind blowing. I don’t even want to talk about it in detail, so I won’t. One stat will say it all for me: Had the ball with 1:00 remaining, and ran one play from then until 0:13 left. Thank you, Patrick Nix.

Nix, however, it not solely at fault here. He calls the plays, he runs the offense, but when are we all going to rightfully start putting blame on Randy? You are responsible for who you hire. Nix is a complete joke, and should be fired. But Randy? Letting this monstrosity occur twice in a game, with a month to prepare? A total fucking joke. And as my esteemed colleague MBC pointed out, how can not one of the other assistant coaches, offense or defense, stand up to Randy, and yell into his ear to take a goddamn time out! Do they not want the team to win? Do they believe their side of the ball is autonomous from Randy’s wrath? Or does Randy have a bunch of Yes Men at his disposal? MBC careened this idea, and I support it: Miami needs someone who is overseeing this program. Who brings Randy into a weekly meeting on the status of the program, who has veto power. This is Randy’s first HC gig, and he has proven so far to have glaring game day decision making ineptitude. We need someone higher up who can make the tough decisions, lay down the hammer, until Randy learns it on his own, if that ever happens.

One last note on this game clock dis-management. Miami only used 11 out of their allotted 15 bowl game practices. Nice. One plus one does equal one play is 47 seconds this time around.

Overall, going 7-6 vs. 8-5 really is meaningless. On paper, it’s a huge difference. In reality, it means nothing. Randy will still bring in the recruits. But this game will go down, to me, as the point where I lost my blind faith in Randy’s ability to turn this thing around and win a national title. He still can right the ship, and that means bringing in a proven OC, outside the ACC, with an actual track record of making players better and out coaching a defense. In the next few weeks, we will see if that happens.

Until that day, Lieutenant Anton wishing all you fucking soldiers happy recruiting season.

With all the articulate, intelligent, well-read Canes fans, you would think they understand what is happening to their football team. That this year’s team, until this past week could have back doored it’s way to an ACC championship, Orange Bowl win, and unfettered hope for an incredible 2009 campaign. Unfortunately, we all know Canes fans don’t know how to read. 

They do not see what is laid out before them, like a Vietnamese transvestite standing in the red-light district. On the surface, you just found yourself a perfect deal, total inebriation be damned. Ten American dollars to have sex? With this hot chick! Twice?! Fuck, YEAH! Then you get back to the room and realize she has a penis bigger than yours, and is suggesting you get kinky and role play as the woman for night. Result? Not good. And that is what the Hurricane offense is shaping up to be.

Hehe, nooo, I don't have a penis! What are you talking about?

Now don’t get me wrong, Randy has some glaring deficiencies of his own right now. But he is here for the long haul, and I am more than willing to let him learn on the job. He won’t go begging for an NFL gig the second he wins an national title, as per the Hurricane tradition. He can be, if he lives up to Miami Hurricane Competent Coach Protocol (R), who wins his obligatory national title, but instead of bolting, does what Schnellenberger should have. A modern day 20 year mainstay with 3-4 national titles under his belt, and another 3 losing appearances to boot. But for now, we have a problem, and we need a fix.

Any one familiar with Patrick Nix’s offense’s at Georgia Tech knows their attrocity. Canes fans this year complain to no end about the anemic offense, but offer no solution, save for the usual, “They need to fucking fire his ass, they suck….oh! I’m on the huge HD screen! Soldier Boy it! Hurry!” Canes fans, take note. You will be warned. 

This is how it will play out. Lets assume the Canes win next week against NC State, finishing the regular season at 8-4, 5-3 in conference. That is definite progress from last year’s debacle. Regardless of how they have looked at times, this year will be considered a success. They will play in a bowl game, Gator or Champs Sports most likely, and should probably win. No way the OC is getting fired after this season. Everything is on the up and up. Continuity must be maintained, Randy says. 

Next season, Canes will be one year older, one year stronger, and should be expected to win the ACC. Let’s say, for argument sake, they win the conference crown, but the offense still looks pretty bad. A year reminiscent of 2003, when the defense carried the team the whole year, and a couple games were lost due to a pathetic O. Can you fire Nix here? Of course not. You just won the conference title! You made progress from last year! It will all come together in 2010, our national title year!

Hey Pat? Can we go this way tonight?

Only it doesn’t. They lose two or three games, the same problems persist. The offense turns the ball over, shuffles quarterbacks, runs a QB draw out of the shotgun on a 4th and 1 with an empty backfield in a defacto division title game. Will he be fired at this point? Of course he will. But by this time, we have wasted an incredible defense, and two more years of a fantastic recruiting class, let alone future classes Randy pulls in. So, dear Anton, what do you suggest?

We need to promote this mofo Nix. We need to get him a new job. Placate his ego, get someone on the inside telling how great he is, that he is being held back under Randy. But more importantly, we need dissention on the defensive side of the ball. We need fights in the locker room with the defense cursing out Marve and Nix and anyone that they suck and should be winning when the D only gives up 17 points. So Randy, knowing he can’t fire him with the progress being made, needs to run a coup with DC Bill Young. Get him to start feeding his players propaganda about Nix and the offense. How their talent is being wasted on the other side of the ball. How they need to make their teammates more accountable. You create internal turmoil.

On the other side, you get Boosters telling Nix he should be a head coach somewhere, he has the talent, he’s young, go grab a spot and make it yours, Christobal style. Or maybe an Assistant HC/OC job somewhere in the SEC, where we all know Nix wants to end up anyways. Get that seed planted in his unorignal, obvious formations brain. Now, he is hearing how great he is, hearing his DC telling him he sucks, it’s all his fault the Canes aren’t undefeated. He blows up. “I don’t have to put up with this shit! I was the first QB to beat Spurrier at the Swamp! I am Auburn’s career passing efficiency leader! I’m fuckin outta here!” Bam. Done and done. Randy gets a phone call from Auburn’s athletic director, gives a ringing endorsement of his Dead OC Walking, and rids himself of a poison waiting to fester, and us Canes fans don’t have to live until 2011 for a non-Nix coached offense. Someone get me Randy’s number.