It’s not every day your 2nd biggest rival’s coach has a total meltdown. Quitting due to stress, then taking it all back, before you even have your retirement press conference? Here is the statement Urban Meyer should have released on Sunday:
“I would like to thank everyone for their concern for my well being. Especially ESPN, who I had to beg to stop sucking my dick so we could go ahead and schedule this darn press conference to begin with. I mean, when they said they were doing a special programming segment, just to me, I mean, gee, whiz, I don’t know what to say. Also, all that stuff I said about being under undue stress and chest pains and shortness of breath, and anything health related? Yeah, forget about that. Untrue. Don’t believe everything you hear. I’m fine. Yes, I did say I was retiring yesterday, but then I realized I could just take a really, really long vacation during the offseason, and not even miss a game! I mean, come on Jeremy Foley! Bring this up in our initial discussions! Anyhoo, don’t ask me about my health, it never happened. Steve Addazzio? Have fun with that one guy. I’m sure you know I will blame you through all the backchannels for the program’s slow ride back to the mean. Where’s my family? Oh there they are. Family, family, family. Faith, faith, faith. Family, family. Ok, I think you all realize where my priorities are. Thanks for coming.”
No apologizing here as we squeeze out as much juice from this Florida Gator as possible. Anyone with half a typical OB West End Zone IQ (over 70) would know you just take a leave of abscence, then re-evaluate the situation once you have stepped away. Meyer can never take back this indecision, and I love it!
Imagine you are out with your girlfriend and her close friends. You don’t necessarily dislike them, but at the same time you definitely would not hang out with them if you weren’t doing your girlfriend a favor. You’re pretty much putting in some quality ‘face time.’ You know what happens next? The questions start coming. Not the ones you are expecting. I am talking about the questions that are thrice as bad as “Who, What, Where.” I am talking “Where do you want to eat?” and “What bar do you want to go to?” You know what happens when females start asking each other these questions? Exactly. Nothing. Because women are indecisive. They cannot go out on a limb, be the bad guy and say “We are going here, you will all like it, enough of this bullshit, it has been ten minutes already of you four not deciding, oh yeah I forgot I’m not supposed to talk unless spoken to per my girlfriend’s unsaid orders.”
Here’s to Lane Kiffin starting some shit!
